Birthday Blues

Written by Kyla Kwan

I don't quite remember the times I anticipated birthdays. I'm sure that as a child, this was a day I would always look forward to but for the most part - and for as much as I can remember - I have always hated birthdays. I remember a particular birthday where my dad was more excited about it than I was and another where my mom my mom was more excited about it. 

I may have been about 8 or 9. My dad and I were both watching television and somehow, death was brought into conversation. I did not know much about death then, I did not experience much about death at that time. And, I remember asking my dad when can people come back to life after they die. It never occurred to me that that was a pretty morbid question to ask but I was in for some curiosity when my dad responds with "Well, you don't." He then proceeded to explain to me that once an individual dies, they're dead. There is really no coming back to the life you lived previously. I remember crying every night for about a week because my dad just taught me the basic concept of death and how time is limited.

Life would continue to pass by and then March 5 comes back around. And I would tend to ask myself, "Did you live one hell of a year? Or did you totally fail at living the life of a *insert age* year old?" That's when I become reminded of the conversation I had with my dad. It's also when the possibility of me getting upset at myself for not living life to its full capacity is at its epitome.

Although I hate the attention it brings, that's not the reason I hate birthdays. I love celebrating life, especially with friends and family. It's more of - I hate it because I'm reminded that I can't live to be 1000. Here, I am reminded that I need to enjoy it more often because to be honest, I tend to lack at enjoying life. I hated being asked, "How does it feel to be *age*?" To answer that truthfully, I don't know because I just turned that age. 

Each year on my birthday, I become quite fearful that I might lose myself because for quite some time, it was in my mind that I had to become a new person each year. But obviously as I got older, I older that wasn't the case but it's still easy to lose yourself. There was so much immensity to face on my birthday. "What if I don't enjoy being 17? What if 16 is better than 17? What if I'd much rather be 5 again?" 

But the more I adjust to being this age I had just turned, I learn to like it more and more. I return to enjoying where I am at the moment. I suddenly am satisfied being the age I am now than the age I was before. 

17 Things I Learned In 17 Years

1. Be yourself. I know that this saying is pretty overrated but it holds true to it's meaning. Take interests in the things you want to interest in. Express yourself, who knows, maybe it can teach someone something new.
2. Knowledge is the only thing that can't ever be taken away from you. Most people view learning as a drag, but I see it as a beauty. An individual can control how much knowledge they obtain. There's so many ways to learn and it's pretty amazing. I can't believe I'm actually saying this but stay in school and learn as much as you can. Knowledge is such a powerful thing.
3. Appreciate those who mean most to you. In February 2016, my great-grandmother passed away and in the summer of 2012, my uncle passed away - both unexpected. If there is one thing I will share to what I learned from both, it would to always tell those you love that you love them. There's no shame in showing appreciation and affection. (And also, take their wisdom to heart because they've seen more than you have.)
4. It's easy to get wrapped up in negativity but always spread kindness and positivity. It's extremely important to be kind and positive - it helps not only to create a better atmosphere but a better you.
5. Friendships are important. They come in all shapes, sizes, backgrounds, colors, cultures so befriend as many people as you can. I've learned that most of the time, you get what you put into them. I've found the greatest friendships in the most unlikely places. They can be your salvation - which is also important. (So, thank you to my best friends: Aine, Kelton, Madison, Sam, Abby, and Maysen. But also thank you to all of my other wonderful friends for everything.) 
6. Don't let anything toxic into your life or back into your life. It's only going to create emotional stress and taking it out of your life will make you feel 100% better. (Little side note-don't hang out with people who treat you like shit.)
7. Not everybody is going to like you - not everybody you like is going to like you back.
8. Don't let anyone's opinion of you change who you are. If you like who you are, there's no need to change who you are. Don't feel like you have to impress other people either. The only person you have to ever impress is yourself.
9. Love yourself and believe in yourself. Learning to love yourself will bring so much positivity in your life and you are less likely to be convinced of the negativity. Believing in yourself will become a huge motivation.
10. Keep a journal. I honestly cannot stress this enough. A journal is useful for so many things - writing memories down, expressing your frustrations, anger, happiness, etc, lists, drawings, whatever you want.
11. Learn to be alone. Doing things alone is a good thing and often times, can be peaceful. I've learned that being alone does not necessarily mean that you are lonely.
12. Learn to accept to be rejected - by boys, friends, schools, jobs, etc. It does not mean at all that you are not good enough. I've heard NO so many times that my mindset is "On to the next one."
13. It is okay to say NO and to stand up for what you believe in, respectfully and while respecting the opinion of others.
14. Failure is okay. It does not mean that you're doing something wrong. BUT - just be sure to learn from it.
15. Coffee is a true gift.
16. Don't be afraid of confrontation. Chances are, you probably don't want to say it just as much as the person does not want to hear it but it has to be said. It's better to know exactly how a person feels than to wonder, and ALWAYS ask questions.
17. Take risks, step out of your comfort zone, and venture out. It may seem scary at first but trust me, it's totally worth it. It's a great way to experience life, discover new passions or hobbies, and meet new people.